Black coffee, Mozart, and arms that are full with little babes. Laughter, tears, intense love and fear. Having kids – it brought on a wave of new emotions in intensity. I didn’t realize how much songwriting could be a healing process in sorting through these very real emotions that came in this new realm of motherhood.
Almost four years ago I went through the hardship of losing my voice. A painful throat condition brought on by silent reflux caused my vocal cords to fall out of sync. It was shortly before my first little dove came along. I remember trying to be a breakfast server and not being able to get out the words to take the order. Like a thread getting caught on a hook, my voice gave out mid sentence. It was physically painful to try and sing. I remember even wishing that I could just get out the evening lullaby to Viv. I wrote a song now and then, but told myself I wasn’t interested in writing anymore. I think the lingering thought was “maybe I won’t be able to sing again – maybe this is it”. I was sad, but decided to turn that part of me off. I love being a mom, and really at the time my heart was in full on springtime mode with that aspect of life! I worked on my health, and growing these beautiful babes. My voice would fluctuate from really bad to small improvements with therapy and lifestyle changes…good days and bad days.
This past January something awakened in me – a triumphant and fiery passion; this God-given right to exist and be here and to give space to this process of creating. I love to write songs, so why shouldn’t I!? My voice was still healing and up and down, but the more I went into the studio to create and write, the more I felt empowered and that I was healing and getting stronger.
I started giving time to my passion – fifteen minutes here and there would turn into hours. There was no one judging me – not even me; just the whisper of God’s exuberant love to be free…like He was the grand painter handing me this brilliant palette of colors.
Even if I had to use every nap and burn the midnight oil, I felt like my children and husband were seeing me come alive again as I gave voice to the songwriter within. Passion and confidence came just by making an appointment with pen and paper. I pictured my great grandmother holding her light out for me, whispering wisdom passed down from ages ago. My grandfather Fred Beyer was a huge inspiration. I could just picture the support of so many loved ones who had gone before me. I felt a great cloud of witnesses around me to cheer me on, as well as the huge support coming from these two little ladies and my amazing husband Doug! He always nudged me to keep up the creating. It’s been exciting getting back into this collaborating process with him in the studio. He is always reminding me that the real progress and growth is in the hours of exploring. I found a new passion for the recording process – I love Pro Tools!
Working on art projects with Vivian while writing a song – watching Nia play in the baby swing next to me while I record a new thought and hear her laughter ringing at the end of takes – it’s amazing how these angels helped me focus and prioritize my work. And nothing tops hearing Viv sing along:)
My object is to create, create and create some more! It’s a daily walk to find balance between full time mama and songwriter. I love when they can be woven together harmoniously! It makes for a happy mama. I think it’s a good thing for the girls to see my heart light up, and hopefully as I share my journey they will feel the freedom to let their creative hearts soar.
As we watch Sesame Street and clean grubby stains off hardwoods I hear the next song and rhythm growing inside my mind. With a little space carved out, it will blossom and find the soil to be rooted. In the daily routines is where songs can grow. I’m never with a dull moment, but my mind is alive to create and dream.